Setting: Brunos. Dinner time. Just back home from Birmingham {Aiden's appointment Monday} I rushed in while husband and sleeping children wait in running car to obtain my latest craving: plain bagels and plain cream cheese. {read: exact opposite of limes} {schizophrenic baby.} I was hoping for a fast transaction, and of course, as is true to every grocer, only three lanes are open. 

All are jam packed with people. 

I have to tinkle. 

Badly. 

After quickly surveying the situation and weighing my options, I slide in with my acquired goods behind an oddly matched couple (she could be his mom) (they're almost finished) and an elderly woman (We'll call her Lurleen) directly in front of me with an odd selection: beer and grapes. Sounds gross to me. Maybe she's pregs.

Couple takes forever. I glance around and again note that my options are not any better elsewhere, so I peruse the Mag Ads regarding stupid Ashley Tisdale's hot bod scantily clad in some tiny bikini {yeah, wait til she squeezes out a few puppies, I mutter to myself} and the first family.

I look up and realize the line is finally moving forward, and I begin to do the peepee dance. 

Me: Hurry the freak up!!! (this monologue occurs in my head, as I am a passive aggressive soul, and smile politely as I discreetly sway back and forth in attempt to widen my bladder)

Lurleen: {once her oddities are rung up, and I see that the end is in sight} Oh, yes, and can I get some Marlboro Lights?

Me: Seriously? Wrong line, lady! Aren't you supposed to go stand in the special line with the cigs for this kind of line delaying crap you are now officially trying to pull? Are you going to sit on your front porch tonight and munch on your grapes with your beer and smoke your ciggies with your boyfriend Darnel? Who smokes anymore? Seriously? {Peepee dance intensifying as cashier leaves line to acquire smokes} 

Cashier finally returns after what feels like an eternity to my bladder and rings up the final (oh so classy) items. 

Cashier: total

Lurleen: begins to write a check. 

Me: FO REAL, WOMAN??? You had this entire time to fill out your check, but let's go beyond that. This is 2009. Check cards are a life saver nowadays. Checks are what you save for your friends when you split your beer and ciggies over pizza later and need to pay up. I HAVE TO PEEEEEEEEE!!!

Lurleen: finally exits with her score. I hope she had fun with Darnel.

Me: finally pay {read: high tail it to the mini so Jamin can floor it home}

And in other more DEVASTATING news...where will I get my monthly FIX????!!!