Muffin Top Maladies
My closet. The doorway which leads to all atrocities a-la-Ashley. It's a lot like that last scene from Poltergiest. I go in and the door closes behind me, glowing with bad fashion juju vibes.
I've been playing a little game with myself lately while deciding what I will be wearing to the latest social event we will be attending. It's not supposed to be an hour. It just turns into one. It's a self loathing game. I'll play it for a few more months until I actually have the energy to get back on that treadmill. My once cherished and somewhat vain spot for all adornments has now become the very place I loathe, post babies...the thorn in my flesh and one complication of my newfound mommy existence.
Idiots play this game. And the husbands who ask their wives to "hurry up" while they are dealing with much more than finding something to wear for the night, (aka accepting that the old grey mare aint what she used to be) are flirting with DEATH.
Jamin, magically knows this, when the time has come for me to grace my chamber, as if enlightened by cherub babies flitting about on magical wings issuing warnings from above. He knows to avoid me and my issues at all costs, until I exit the chamber at peace with my chosen garment. He will even prevent Aiden from entering the chamber out of fear for his own well being. He watches me torture myself in various degrees, bodily contortions, and poses in front of the mirror. He dare not enter the chamber, but merely stands until summoned in the entrance of the closet. I will ask him what he thinks for the millionth time and not believe him. I will then call my friend crying because I have nothing to wear. I WILL ask him if I look fat, whilst standing tippy-toe and turning, ever so slightly, desperately searching for that one reassuring angle. And he WILL say no. ENTHUSIASTICALLY as if it were ridiculous that I should ever imply such travesties, or else demons shall be emitted from the burning sockets of my skull as I condemn his soul to eternal Hell, while I melt his face into a heap of burning flesh.
Oh, my muffin top maladies.
Supa Blogga Supreme Mama
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Reader Comments (9)
Hmmmm, what man would be dumb enough to even comment on this post? Hmmmm, let's see...none of the adoring hordes of girlfriends have been here yet to shout in unison "Oh, Ashley, you are so slim and fit-you are almost too skinny. But I know just how you feel!" Hmmm, since those comments are not here yet, I had better be REALLY careful. Flattery may get me the "eyes of death" from my own baby-mamma during her anguished time of selection. Funny, cutting remarks would make me the target of all your readers for being so mean. Hmmm, I will just say "Way to go Jamin! Stay strong and protect the kids. Don't forget the dog."
Thanks for the colorful account of the terrors of muffin-top-ville.
Halleluah and Amen sister! EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I don't know why I think that I am going to shrink miraculously this time. It too me 365 to lose my weight with Nora and THEN immediately found out I was pregnant with Elyn. I've decided to that I am not going to worry nearly as much this time. Our house is not complete yet. One more baby Henderson and we are calling it quits. So, until that happens, I am resolved to embrace the muffin top. Oh, who am I kidding...I HATE THE MUFFIN TOP!
And, you look fabulous. I wish I looked like you.
Ugh...I haven't even had children yet & I have discovered this dilemma! I am going to come back & re-read this post when I am where you are now, so I can remember that others have gone before me in the wonderful world of muffin-top-ness. Bless you.
{For what it's worth, you do look great, even if you don't think so yourself. :-)}
I go away for a few days and you are up and running! As if I expected any less :) I have literally laughed out loud at your new stories! You are such a good writer!
enter empire waist shirts... tada!
You are not alone! I hate trying to pick out what to wear. Even though the weight goes (eventually), things just aren't where they once were! :)
Well, I finally checked out them babies (so cute) and dropped you a post (aren't you proud?). I love the new site and God bless the short-winded.
I love the term "muffin top." It's a personal favorite of mine. And I don't think you've ever had one, hot mama! But I get the wardrobe thing for sure. I'm sure I will even more in the next few months... years...
please don't remind me of what is to come this fall after this little guy depletes me of all energy and desire to exercise! I told Derek that I think I will lose this baby #2 weight in the year 2012...oh well, and baby #3 could be here by then...did I actually put that in print??? YIKES!!!