A Pox Upon Your Saggy Woman Parts!
1. On Thursday morning, the carpet cleaning guy appeared on my doorstep an entire hour early. You think I would have learned my lesson by now, as I fought back a rabid Chloe, and reluctantly answered the door by the third knock. (Awkward, inappropriately dressed confrontations like this are my forte.) I barely had enough time to cover embarrassing areas with a baggy sweatshirt, remove my glasses, and coat my sleepy lashes in a thin film of ill fated mascara. {the Mascara gave me a bit of an Elvira look...merely capitalizing on my white trash theme.} Let alone brush my teeth.
Hello, putrid.
The house was coated in unfinished laundry, as I was just beginning to tackle it after my latest rebellion/hiatus/woeisme session. I was so behind on Laundry, that Emerson slept in Aiden's "Mr. Messy" t-shirt, the night before. Enter awkwardness. This carpet cleaning guy was not your typical cleaner. In other words, no, he was not fat, nor was he old, OR unattractive. This merely complicated the situation, as I felt I wouldn't have cared so much if the stranger in my house had no excuse for their appearance, as well. Common ground, you see. (Yes, I am extremely shallow in unfortunate situations such as this.) CCguy even referred to Emerson as "Buddy". See: Awkward situation upgraded to truly unfortunate as I began apologizing for my appearance, and explaining Emerson was a girl but I was obviously behind on the laundry. I usually don't live like this, etc... etc.
I became the over-explaining nervous rambler, even offering to have the guy and his wife back to our house so he would see what everything "normally" looked like. (nervous laughter ensued) Yeah. Too far. No wonder he finished so quickly.
2. Could my stomach BE any bigger? I am officially as large now as I was with Aiden at five months. And yes, I found a picture in the back of an album the other day from the first horrid transformation I underwent. I was so naive. GOODBYE BODY. FOREVER. I'm pacing this entry with cute photos of the kids so I won't have a nervous breakdown...I have decided I am destined to spend a life of obesity in elastic waisted pants and floppy tent-sized shirts. I'm getting a BODY LIFT when all this is said and done. Did you know they actually relocate your belly button for that? (See me, rocking back and forth in corner..fetal position...it doesn't matter...it doesn't matter...) OH the transformations mommies go through is just downright HORRID AND UNFAIR. CURSE YOU, EVE! You are the reason I now have more dimples than I can count and woman parts that flop in grotesque ways if I so much as move an inch. A POX UPON YOUR HOUSES!!! Yeah. Did I meantion I've had a few woe is me moments?
3. And now onto lighter subjects...some before and afters! Since I can't paint right now Jamin was gracefully under my direction, ( I tried to explain it to him as he was my designer, and I was the art director, which from my personal experience equaled personal slave...) and I think he did a fabulous job! The first is a piece I grew up with, the second a mirror which needed a not-so-kirklands punch, and the third, a flea market find we are using as an entertainment center. I'm so proud of him! Hope everyone is having a wonderful non stressful week!
Yeah, we're kind of addicted...
Supa Blogga Supreme Mama
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um, what kind of paint do you use?? And did you have to sand that huge thing beforehand? I want to try!
Okay, when I became preggo with Elyn (remember, she is a short 19 months younger than Nora), it is liked I rolled out the bed and started showing. When I was 9 weeks pregnant, still kind of in denial since my 1-year-old wasn't even walking yet, I was sitting in church about to prepare my mind for the Lord's Supper (can you tell I'm a C of C kid?). The no-so-quiet lady sitting next to me asked-WHILE THE PRAYER IS HAPPENING-"Are you just gaining weight because you finished nursing or are you pregnant?" I about fell over. 1. I didn't think I was showing yet...I was wrong apparently. 2. How rude! What if I was just packing on the pounds? I bet she would have felt really bad. 3. Ummm, the Lord's Supper is currently under way. Needless to say, I had to out myself seconds after that remark. Did I focus on anything the preacher said that day? Absolutely not, I was focusing on trying to suck in. To make things even better, my husband repremanded me for not paying a bit of attention during church. Seriously Deacon? Are you about to have that conversation with me. I didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
Ahhh, feels good to get that off my chest. I would have blogged about this on my own blog instead of using so much space on the comment portion of yours, but the rude lady reads my blog and I think would get her feelings hurt. Not like she cared a lot about my feelings back in the day.
So yes, if you babies are 19 months apart, your body remember EXACTLY what it is supposed to look like pregnant and resumes that profile as quickly as possible. Good news is that after this baby, you can burn all maternity clothes...you know, if your done.
HAHAHAHA! Dallas, I just snorted my Dt. Mt. Dew re: Deacon Matthew. Greg does the same thing to me when I make grocery lists or whisper to him/other people in church. Men...gah.
Supa...how did you get that finish on the last one? I'm thinking about redoing my kitchen cabinets and I'm looking to do something like that. Is it a glaze over white or off white paint?
I LOVE that last piece of furniture! It is absolutely gorgeous!
Your furniture is beautiful! I LOVE it!
The good news is that after #3 gets here, you won't be in such shock of the aftermath. You'll look in the mirror and think, "Okay, I look pretty good to have had three!" At least that's what happened with me. The first two I was depressed every time I looked in the mirror. After #4, I just quit looking in the mirror.
Amazing job on pictures and furniture! Watch out Audrey.
Ya'll did a great job! I love it!
I think it is about time for some Ashley pregnancy photos. :) I love the pictures of the kids.
Those colors are beautiful! And, I know I'm clueless, but I didn't realize you can't paint when pregnant. :(
Okay, I need some painting lessons, or an art director named Ashley! Great job Jamin! My daughter's dresser needs something done to it. But I can't decide which way to go in her room. Hence, it remains undone to this very day!!! Auuugghh!
WOW my response was SLOW. Dallas-I seriously needed to hear that! It makes me feel so much better to hear that acknowledged from someone who has had two kids so closely! I have got to get over it but its hard when I already have a belly! It's quite traumatizing...
Tesney-It's super easy. practice on a piece of wood first, but primer, then paint, then varnish. I can go over details with you, but its kind of a touch and go kind of thing. Not to sound like an art teacher but go for it. Painting is the most forgiveable medium there is. ;)
Ok, I am so far behind in the blog world...sorry!
I was going to ask to see a pic of your new entertainment center. It looks so good!! And that dresser is awesome! I love it all!!
Oh and those pics of the kiddos are TOO CUTE. :-)
Your body woes would resonate so much for if they actually came from a fat person... why is it that skinny people author the best fatty rants?? Face it, you're one of those skinny girls we hate, so just get used to it and stop trying to cross to the other side. You're not fool'n us. Funny story 'bout the carpet cleaner though. I have always thought it infinitely more rude to come early than late. My house is open to all, but PLEASE call first!!! So impressed with your furniture redo skillz! If we lived closer I would so be using our friendship to wrangle favors.